So. I quit Crew. Here's a basic explanation.

Lately, for the past four or so weeks, I have been really really sad/depressed. Not like -omg i want to kill myself- depressed. Just really unhappy. Every time I thought about coming home I'd get homesick and really sad. 

It got to the point where going to Crew wasn't really a fun or enjoyable activity anymore. It felt more like a chore. But since I've previously said over and over that I was going to make it to the end of the semester I didn't want to just give up or anything.

When I came home for the Easter weekend, I was extremely dreading going back for Spring Training. I really did not want to. I got practically sick just thinking about having to go back. Not sick in a disgusted throw up way, like in a my head hurts and i feel like I'm going to cry way. 

I figured if I could just work through SpringBreak I'd get over it and whatever. But when I went back, it just kept getting worse and worse, and all I could think was that I wanted to go home. I just really absolutely did not want to be there whatsoever. And to top it off I made a fool of myself and had a slight asthma attack on the run back to the police station. It was extremely embarrassing. 

We got an hour break and ... I dunno. Somewhere during that break between the calming down, trying to breathe again, and crying, I realized that forcing myself to do something that I don't enjoy anymore is pointless. If I don't enjoy it - I won't get any better at it. I just couldn't do it anymore. 

So at the night practice I talked to the Novice coach and explained it to him. I wasn't going to lie to them and say that my grades were slipping or whatever. (not that the people who quit under that reason were lying) I told him the truth, and he appreciated it. Then I got the novice girls team together and I told them. It was hard, and I was still upset and my body kept trying to start crying for some reason, but they really deserved for me to tell them face to face. Not hear it second hand from the coach when I just suddenly stopped showing up. 

So. That's it. I did NOT quit because it was hard. Don't get me wrong, it is a hell of a workout, but thats not it. If I still enjoyed it and it was hard, I would just work harder. But it had become something that wasn't ... good for me. 

Part of me feels really disappointed in myself. Because I kept saying I would make it to the end of the semester. And I feel like I let the other girls down. And because of this that part of me also expects everyone to look at me and be like "Ugh E's a quitter." or something. When I'm not.

The other part of me feels really relieved, and knows that I did what was right for me. I feel more at peace and not so incredibly stressed-out/depressed or whatever. And I am really, really, really glad to be home. 

So. I know not a lot of people read this but... this is what happened, and why. This is just me, being honest. I don't know why I'm sounding so dramatic right now. But... it really is just me. I need to know my limitations and I need to do what's best for me when the situation calls for it. So. There you have it. 

Now I'm back home, absolutely exhausted, and ready for bed. So goodnight. I think writing this out has just allowed me to create a better peace about it, and get it all straight in my mind so I won't worry. I feel better. 

PS: If I do get to go to Korea- I'll let you know. And if you want something, I won't mind looking for it for you. But no promises. And I didn't say that if I got accepted I wouldn't go - I probably would. But the probablity I actually get accepted is rather low. So we'll see.